About Me

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Franklin, Ohio, United States
I am married and have three grown children and ten grandchildren. I have had lupus for some 17 years now and been through the ups and downs associated with it. I wanted to share my life on a daily basis for those who may be interested. I am also doing it as therapy for myself, to allow me to be real, not sugar coated.
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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Depths of Despair


Recently, I am having some real issues with my health. Lupus has been flaring, despite the best efforts to keep it under control. For the first time since I have had this disease, I felt out of control and ready to give in. Give in to what, you may ask. I was ready to give up the fight and give in and have peace. Depressed, yes, who wouldn't be when yoru body is wracked with pain, your joints hurt, your fingers are swollen, and you can hardly walk. This time, though, it was different.

My lupus has started into the neurological realm now and I see daily things changing that I cannot control. Things like, my memory for instance. Sure, I joke about this but it terrifies me to think I cannot remember things at time. The fog I am used to having is mild compared with this. It is frightening to think that, like alzheimers, I may sink into the world of no memories. It would scare anyone.

I am having more migraines, more pain, and feeling lost in the shuffle lately. Combine this with an eye doc telling me I am developing cataracts, and my straws are overloaded and my back is breaking. I know this is a little thing but it virtually sent me over the edge. I mean, come one, what else is going to happen? There I said it.

The unknown is scary. I can deal with many of the manifestations this disease provides me with, however, losing my memory is quite another thing. The edge came closer and I was ready to go on over. I am prepared to die, as it were, but I prefer to live right now. I have a lot of unfinshed business to take care of. Grandchildren to spoil and love, family to love, and friends and spiritual brothers and sisters to love as well. I have been saying that a lot lately to those around me. I love you. Simple words but powerful in their meaning. I want everyone who has touched my life to know how much it means ot me that they are my friends and family and that I love them all.

Not to get maudlin here, but the edge was there, all I had to do was give up. I can still see it. However, I have firmed my resolve now and feel much better about it. I am going to live my life and watch those grands grow up into young adulthood and be there for their important events. I have seen the other side, almost wanted to go there, but now I am determined that I am here, I am living, and I refuse to succumb to the edge. The precipice is still out there, waiting... for how long who knows? In the end, I can only think about today and what I have to live for. That will sustain me. Sharing my love of God with others, helping friends when able, and loving each person who is in my life. These are the things that are important to me.

I am glad I saw the edge. It knocked me out of the blue funk and back into the land of the living. Praise Jah for all the friends I have and for the will that was given me when I was at that low point. Thanks for the encouragement you gave me and this life that I am trying to improve to show You that it is not in vain. You alone are the Most High and You have given me the strength to continue. Thank you Father.

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